Painted Fingers & Toes

The new year has brought to fruition all of my fears of loneliness. I have been craving the attention of the opposite sex. It could be because I'm on vacation with nothing extremely productive to do, and next week this time I will be thrown back into academic hysteria. But for the last month I've watched nothing but formula fiction television, and reflected on the fact that the chances of finding a life partner that I can build a dynasty with is slim to none.

So i figure I should do something for me.

Yesterday I painted my fingers & my toes. Though this is the depths of winter (and no one is going to see these size 12s), this small act became so necessary for me. It reminded me that I am supple; that I am able to be this flexible fluid entity and I don't always have to be so hard... so tough. Especially with myself. I'm ready to allow myself to love and be loved unconditionally and without apology. I'm not saying that I am ready for a relationship. But I am ready to be open and receptive to that possibility... when I graduate.

So I think that when I get this refund check (lol) I might purchase myself a new wardrobe. It's high time that I have an outward reflection of how I feel inside. I love me. And I'm tired of wearing random t-shirts and jeans, and those same busted shoes I kept from my ex-boyfriend in 2003.

I'm ready to give up old Eris. It's time to be more streamline. More concerned about how I feel about me. I want to take me and my education to a professional level so, no matter where I am... mentally I'll be wearing a tuxedo t-shirt "I want to be formal but I'm also here to party." I want to be fashion forward and its for me. I am 23 years old. What have I got to loose? Right now is probably the only time in my life where I can be completely absorbed with me.

I'm tired of faking it til I make it.

Here's an old poem of mines...sort of reflective of my winter break

In that lonely space…

Hugging body pillows
Eyes red
Open space is all that’s left
Eavesdropping on the crickets
Hearing cicada’s converse
I sit alone with my thoughts
With too much pride
To say I’m needy
With too much pride
To say I’m broken
Solitude
Can only be beneficial
If you can live with yourself
In this space
There are very few words
That offer comfort
Very few songs
That will renew faith
Very few thoughts that will
Make the tears stop
So you leave
The lights on
Because even the sun
Has turned its back on you
You watch late night
Infomercials
To feel a little less
By yourself
You flip through
Old photo albums
And old journals
Reliving the good times
And the bad times
Cause even then at least someone was there.
8/9/06

~eZv